Hermione's New Image
by Werd
Summary: It's a new Hermione! Different than other such fics.


Hermione's New Image  
  
"Hi, sweetie." said Hermione Granger, her fluffy blond hair sprayed firmly in place as she bounced down the hall. "What the hell?" said Draco Malfoy, turning to look at her. "I said 'hi', baby doll." said Hermione. "Do my eyes decieve me?! Am I seeing Hermione Granger?" said Draco. Draco grabbed the front of Goyle's robes and shook him.   
  
"Tut, tut, haven't you seen me a million times before?" asked Hermione, touching her huge head of hair. "Yes, but never like this!" said Draco. Aside from her hair, Hermione was wearing a spandex green mini skirt over some orange tights with black zig zags on them, a matching spandex green tank top with a tight yellow shirt underneath, purple high heels, red nail polish, a leapord print purse and a ton of make up. "Well, baby, you're seein' me now. How's it goin', honey pie?" said Hermione, walking over to Draco. "I don't know!" said Draco. Hermione ran a finger down the chest of Draco's robes. "You need to get some fashion sense, baby." said Hermione. Draco just looked confused, his mouth slightly open, shaking his head. Hermione stood back and looked Draco over. She smiled. Hermione blew him a kiss. Draco gasped.  
  
"Get some fashion sense, and then maybe you and I can get together!" said Hermione. She walked away, swaying her hips back and forth. Hermione took out a piece of bubble gum and shoved it in her mouth.  
  
"Hermione STILL hasn't shown up!" said Harry. "Maybe she's ill." said Ron, as he and Harry walked down the hall together. They heard the sound of Hermione's high heels walking up behind them. They turned. "Heya, babies." said Hermione. "Excuse me?" said Harry. "I said, 'Heya, babies'." said Hermione. Harry and Ron looked at eachother and frowned, confused. "Do we know you?" asked Ron. "Come on, baby doll, it's me." said Hermione. She winked one heavily mascara'd eye at him. "Who?!" said Ron. "Ron...Ron! It's Hermione!!" said Harry. "Don't be a numbskull, Harry!" said Ron.  
  
"Sure it is, hot stuff, don't you remember me?" said Hermione, chewing her gum and looking at Ron. "HERMIONE?!? Dear Jesus, woman, what did you do to yourself?!" asked Ron. "It's called fashion, honey, and I felt like a change. Come on, loves, we'd better get to class." said Hermione. Harry and Ron gaped at eachother, but followed Hermione into class.   
  
Hermione took out her lipstick and a compact and began applying some more red to her lips. Draco stared at her. Hermione turned and puckered her lips at him, then she swayed her head back and forth like Mick Jagger.  
  
"Holy shit!" said Draco.  
  
"What are we gonna do?!" asked Harry. "There's gotta be some way to fix this! She can't stay like this forever!" said Ron.  
  
"It's called a makeover. Come on, dolls, get over it." said Hermione.  
  
Later it was time for Potions. Draco had dissapeared. Hermione stode into the classroom. Snape looked up from his desk with a scowl on his face, but his expression quickly turned to utter shock.  
  
Hermione took her seat. "What up, Proffessor S." said Hermione, crossing her legs and opening her purse again. Hermione took out some make up and some perfume. "Draco...Oh, he's not here. Ron, tell me which perfume you like better, ok, baby?" said Hermione. She sprayed some of one bottle in Ron's face. Ron started to cough and choke, holding his throat. "What do you think of it?" asked Hermione.  
  
"WHAT IN THE MIGHTY BLUE *&%$ IS GOING ON?!" shouted Snape, standing up.  
  
"Huh?" said Hermione.  
  
"Who hexed you?!" said Snape.  
  
"Nobody, baby." said Hermione. "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?" Snape roared. "Geez, sorry. Gotta be careful whatcha say around here." Hermione said, shrugging. She turned back to Ron. "What do you think of this one?" said Hermione, spraying more perfume in Ron's face. Ron turned green and fell out of his chair, choking.  
  
"DETENTION!!! 100 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!! WHAT THE *&%$!! I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, Granger, but you'd better shape up! This classroom is not a beauty parlor!!" said Snape.  
  
"A girl's gotta keep herself stylin'." said Hermione, opening her compact. Snape walked over to the table. As Hermione began applying eyeshadow while looking in the compact, Snape seized the compact, clenching it in one fist. Hermione looked up at him. Snape picked up everything off her desk and placed it back in her purse. Snape walked back to his desk and pulled out his wand. "You all know how to set things on fire, I presume." said Snape, and he uttered a spell that set the purse ablaze. When it had flamed on the floor for about a minute, Snape made it dissapear.  
  
"How the hell am I supposed to do my make up now?!" asked Hermione, shocked.  
  
"Detention for a month. Another word and I'll make it three months!" said Snape.  
  
"I can't believe this guy!" said Hermione. "THREE MONTHS!!" Snape said, pounding his desk with his fists. Suddenly, the door opened. Draco walked in.  
  
Draco was wearing a see through, ruffly green shirt with black polka dots on it, and a pair of shiney, plastic orange pants. He looked at Hermione, grinning.   
  
"WHAT THE *&%$!! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM, DRACO!! If a Gryffindor wants to humiliate herself, that's one thing, but I will not have you embarrassing my house!!" Snape screamed in utter fury.  
  
"But sir!" said Draco, his face falling. "GEETTT OOOUUUTTT!!! NOOOWWW!!!" Snape screamed. "God, you don't have to shout! Geez..." said Draco, turning around and leaving. "Mm, the boy finally got some fashion sense." said Hermione.  
  
After class, Harry, Ron and Hermione walked out into the hall, and Draco stood up eagerly off the floor. "How do you like it, baby?!" said Draco. "I hate it." said Ron. "I wasn't talking to you, dickweed!" said Draco. "Oh, it's gorgeous, Draco." said Hermione, stepping closer to Draco and grinning. "Alright!!" said Draco, grinning again.  
  
"I'm going to be violently ill!" said Ron. "Come on, Ron, let's get out of here!" said Harry. They ran off.  
  
"So, wanta listen to some tunes." said Hermione. "Sure, hotstuff, whatever you want!" said Draco. "Mm, that wretch Snape burned my portable radio. It was in my purse. Where can we find some music, now, darlin?" said Hermione. "Filch! He has a radio! I've seen it! Let's go steal it!" said Draco. "Are you kidding? I've already got a ton of detentions." said Hermione, touching her hair.  
  
"Well, I'll steal it! You wait here! I'll be right back. But before I go..." said Draco, puckering up and moving close. "Hmm, big boy, get me that radio and then we'll see." said Hermione. "ALRIGHT, BABY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!!" said Draco. "Hurry back, now, sugar face." said Hermione. Draco ran off.  
  
Hermione sat for a few minutes, then she got up. Hermione strode down the hall. "Hey, who wants to have another ball?" said Hermione, walking into the girl's bathroom.  
  
"Huh? HERMIONE?? I can't believe it's you! You look so out of charactor!" said Cho. "Sure, so? I think we should get them to have another ball now." said Hermione. "I don't think they'll do it." said Parvati. "Uh, huh, sure they will. Got a cigerette?" said Hermione. "No." said Cho. "I got one." said Lavender. She gave one to Hermione. "This place has gotta liven up. Does any of you have any hair spray?" said Hermione puffing her cigerette. "What?" said Lavender.   
  
When Hermione left the bathroom, she saw Lee Jorden walking along. She shimmied up to him. "Hey, there, fly guy." said Hermione. "Dude? What do I see before me?" said Lee. "It's me baby. So, you want to take me to the dance on Friday?" said Hermione. "What dance?" said Lee. "We're having one, don't you know?" asked Hermione, sighing in exasperation. "Well, uh, no! Sorry, I gotta go!" said Lee, and he ran off, looking over his shoulder once in fear.  
  
Hermione went to the owlery and sent an owl to go get her some more make up and things. The owl returned, and Hermione was applying some light orange blush when Draco finally found her. "Hermione!! I could...I couldn't get the radio!" said Draco, leaning against the doorway. He looked like he could barely stay standing up. Hermione could see bloody whip marks on his face and chest through his see through shirt. "Filch didn't like me trying to steal his things! But Hermione, look! I found this old banjo in one of the Slytherin drawers! It's broken, but it still works!" said Draco. He took out the banjo and began trying to play it, grinning.  
  
"Yuck! That's so out of style!" said Hermione, packing up her make up and heading out of the owlery.  
  
"Wait! Where are you going! I thought you wanted me, too?" said Draco. "Get some tunes. I don't go with losers." said Hermione.  
  
"Hmm, I think I'm gonna be a hair stylist when I get outta here. Or maybe a fashion model, or a backup singer, or some girl in the music videos, or maybe a dancer..." said Hermione to Ginny. "Hermione, I've been meaning to ask you, did you have a lobotomy?" said Ginny. "Jealous, sug?" said Hermione. "I'm just curious." said Ginny. "Well, I think style is important, so now you understand! Ooh, I've gotta find a boyfriend with style, and with money! I need some better jewelry." said Hermione, looking at the huge, blue, gaudy fake diamond ring she was wearing. "I should have one twice this size, you know?!" said Hermione. Ginny tilted her head to one side.  
  
"HERMIONE!!" screamed Draco, popping out from behind a corner. Ginny cursed. "Hello, again, me lady! Just wanted to tell you that I've got tons of money. More than I could ever spend on myself alone, sugar pie!" said Draco. "You got some tunes?" said Hermione. "I can get a radio! I figure it out, I'll have one sent to me!" said Draco. "Alright, then! Pump up the jam!" said Hermione, standing up and going over to Draco. She kissed him on the lips. "Hubba hubba!!" said Draco. "We've GOT to have a dance in this school!" said Hermione. "Oh? Uh, very well. I'll have Fatha pull some strings!" said Draco.  
  
That Friday, a ball was taking place in the great hall. Draco was nervously sipping some punch and waiting for his date. Draco was wearing a bright orange, plastic tuxedo and a very slim black tie. He had on a pair of green rimmed sunglasses. He was wearing red sneakers.  
  
Hermione came waltzing through the door, her blond hair even huger than it had been before. She was wearing a snug black dress with a zipper on the front, a spandex blue and green striped shirt, and a pair of knee high, furry pink boots. She had on shimmering pink lipstick and had golden, shimmering heart stickers on her cheeks. She had a ton of purple eyeshadow on two colors of blush. Her eyelashes were dyed blond and had sparkles in them. She had a little clock on a gold necklase around her neck, and big big gold earrings. She smelled of perfume all the way across the room. She had a giant ring on each finger, each one from Draco. Draco gasped when he saw her and spilled his drink all over himself.  
  
"Hey, baby." said Hermione. Hermione touched Draco's cheek with one finger. "HOT STUFF!!" said Draco, slapping his knee in enthusiasm.   
  
"This is sick! There's something wrong with you!" said Ron, storming up to Hermione. "Who cares?! You're just jealous cus she's after me!" said Draco. "She's braindead!!" said Ron. "No, unh, uh, you just can't see that she's a new woman, and she's my woman now!" said Draco, grabbing Hermione's ass. Ron punched him in the face. Hermione blew a bubble with her bubblegum and looked down at Draco. "Shit, hon, are you ok?" said Hermione. "Yheah, I think so...That Weasley is a big goon. Crabbe, Goyle, get him!" said Draco, signalling to his thugs. Crabbe and Goyle chased after Ron and pounded him.  
  
"Can I have this dance?? I selected the music just the way you wanted!" said Draco, as "Pump Up the Jam" started playing. "This song sucks?" said Hermione, twisting her gum with her finger. "DJ!! CHANGE THE SONG!!" roared Draco. The DJ, Lord Voldemort in a wig, changed the song.  
  
"BLACK CAT BAD!!" sang Janet Jackson. "Nooo..." said Hermione. "DJ!!" roared Draco. The song changed to "Lucky Star" by Madonna. Hermione started to shake and shimmy in front of Draco. "ALRIGHT!!" said Draco, starting to dance along with her.   
  
"God, he's the worst dancer I've ever seen." said Ron, who was sitting in a trashcan, blood running down his nose. "You sure you don't want me to help you out, mate?" asked Harry, squatting by the trashcan. "No, just leave me here." said Ron.  
  
"Shine your heavenly body!" said Hermione, twirling around. "God, get a room!" said Ron, as Hermione started kissing Draco. Dumbledore walked up to Draco and Hermione. "Excuse me, but I do believe you may be getting a tad too close." said Dumbledore. "Shit, old man, you're killing my good time!" said Hermione. "Miss Granger..." said Dumbledore, warningly. "Well, don't just stand there, Draco! You gotta do something!" said Hermione. "What?" asked Draco, confused. "Like get him back for talking to me that way!" Hermione said. "But Hermione, I don't think I'd better try..." said Draco. "What kind of a boyfriend are you, you dumbass?!" said Hermione.  
  
Draco looked at Dumbledore. He leaned towards Dumbledore's ear. "Can't you just pretend I hex you or something?" whispered Draco. "I'm afraid not." said Dumbledore. Draco looked down.   
  
"I guess I'm just going to have to find a better man!" said Hermione, turning and striding off.  
  
"You!" said Hermione, approaching Harry, who was still squatting down next to the trashcan with Ron in it.   
  
"You've got money, don't you?!" said Hermione.  
  
"Yheah, but forget it! I'm not dating you now that you've flipped out. Heck, I didn't fancy you before." said Harry.  
  
Hermione curled her lip in disgust and then touched her hair with both hands. "You could never afford to buy my makeup let alone all the other stuff!" whined Hermione to Ron. She turned around. "I guess it's you again, Draco!" said Hermione, walking off towards him.  
  
Tears brimmed in Ron's eyes. He struggled to get out of the trashcan and fell forward, the traschcan stuck on his rear end. Harry started trying to yank it free. Finally, Ron started walking towards Hermione.  
  
"I MAY NOT HAVE MONEY, BUT I HAVE LOVE!! I LOVED YOU ONCE, HERMIONE GRANGER!!" Ron screamed. Everyone turned and looked at him.  
  
"And that's something this turd can never give you! Real love! I will never forget the girl I once burned to hold, the girl my soul sang for!" said Ron, and he burst into tears.  
  
"Like, dude?! Get a tissue!" said Hermione. She turned around to keep dancing with Draco. "Come on, man, just let her go..." said Harry, walking over to Ron.  
  
"YOU BITCH, HOW DARE YOU TREAT MY BROTHER THAT WAY!!" roared Ginny Weasley, running up to Hermione. She grabbed Hermione's hair and yanked it. Ginny and Draco gasped as the hair lifted off of Hermione's head and tenticals were seen underneath. The tenticals pulled the hair back to Hermione's scalp.   
  
"What do you think you're doing, skank!!" said Hermione, about to attack Ginny. Draco ran away in fear of the tenticals. "This is too much for me! Let's get out of here, my fellows!" said Draco, to Crabbe and Goyle. They all ran out of the great hall.  
  
"There's something wrong with your hair!" said Ginny. Hermione frantically started feeling her hair. "No there isn't, I put on six cans of hair spray, HON!!" said Hermione. Ginny reached forward and grabbed the hair again, pulling as hard as she could. "Help me!" she said to Ron and Harry. They came running up and started yanking at the hair.   
  
The hair came completely off Hermione's head and dropped to the floor. The tenticals scuttled about, and two evil eyes appeared through the blond mess. "What is that thing?!" Harry gasped. Hermione looked around, dazed. "Do you feel a draft?" she asked, patting her bald head.   
  
"What are you?!" Ron asked, kneeling down to look at the hair. "Stand back, Ron! It could be dangerous!" said Dumbledore, walking up and pointing his wand at the hair.  
  
"What is it, Professor Dumbledore?" asked Harry. "I have no clue!" said Dumbledore.  
  
"I'm Zasanax. I come from outerspace, more specifically the planet Cleenex. My kind wishes to learn about your kind, so we decided this could be accomplished by shaving off the hair on your heads and attatching ourselves. We look remarkably like your hair. Of course, your minds would have to go blank for awhile while we took over and as we controlled you. Then, when the time came, we would depart back to our spaceships and leave your world." said Zasanax.  
  
"Is everything ok?" asked Hermione, worriedly looking at the scene before her. Ron, Harry, and Dumbledore looked at eachother.   
  
Dumbledore frowned, sternly, at Zasanax. "You have done alot of ill, spaceling." said Dumbledore, pointing his wand at Zasanax.   
  
"Well, I must ado!" said Zasanax, and the creature dissapeared. "Hey! Where?" said Dumbledore.  
  
"Hermione, are you alright?" said Ron, walking over to Hermione. "Ron, what's going on?!" said Hermione. "Everything's alright, now, Hermione! Oh, Hermione!" said Ron, throwing his arms around her. "Wha? Oh, Ron." said Hermione.  
  
The end. 


End file.
